The Least Romantic Song Ever

Kids, I know that Valentine's Day is coming up, and some of you men out there are looking for ways to express your emotions through song.

Now, I'm no expert.  Trust me on this part.  I don't know how to be wined and dined, and frankly I don't really want anyone to try. But I am so, so serious here when I say, if someone sang or played this song to me - I'm afraid we'd have to have a long talk about whether or not we're still dating.

First of all, the whole thing about wanting to impregnate anyone just seems.... very clinical.  Or comical.  It sounds like something Tracy Jordan would say from '30 Rock.'

Secondly, the whole first verse is him talking about how he's out on the town with someone else's girlfriend, and if she were his girlfriend, he'd wanna settle down with her.  Which is...well, if it were a woman, my mom would have called that a Homewrecker.

Next, a series of different dudes, Tyrese, Robin Thicke and The Dream, all are attempting to woo said lady.  Tyrese, in fact, is one of the worst, because he sounds like he's talking to someone who wants to be a contestant on a reality show:

I can hide your co-star and get in one of my new Wiis,
Tell me what your name is, I can make you famous

Wait, you wanna buy me a Wii?  Maybe.  But, you want to have a child with me, yet don't know my name?  Who are you?!  I'm afraid I'm going to have to call security.

Robin Thicke is just..... mislead.

And get somewhere alone with me where there’s no phones to ring
And plant this magic seed

MAGIC SEED?  What is this, a child or a magical beanstalk?  You clearly do not know how basic human physiology works, and someone should sit you down and explain the birds and bees.  Only, you know, with actual clinical terms, or you might think that somehow this literally involves birds and bees.

Jeezy Creezy.   At least The Dream seems to understand that this thing you're going to be doing will produce a child.  In his verse, he talks about the span of time it will take to produce said baby,  how they will have to get a new house together, and how he is planning on babysitting.  He even seems to understand basic birth control.

Either way,  just let me say to you, menfolk of the world:  Say No To R Kelly. Just say no.  Don't try to romance your lady with anything he wrote.  It's probably going to turn out very very wrong. Just stick with Paul McCartney or Neil Diamond or something. Maybe tomorrow I'll give you guys a few tips on stuff you should try to listen to to be properly romantic.

Romantically yours,

Behka