I know they can't speak English. I know they have tiny little brains that only process so much.  But I do it anyway.

And you know what, I bet you do it, too.  I cannot be the only person out there who has full fledged conversations with their pets.  But, I have caught  myself having some... maybe strange exclamations at them over the years.  Maybe I'm a little weird.

So here are a few things I've said to them over the years.

"What are you doing in the tub, freakjob?!"

My cat, not his cat, but my cat, will routinely get in the bathtub and lick the water out of the faucet.  That's not so weird.  What is weird is that she'll jump on the sink, go over to the tub, and watch me through the shower curtain as I shower.

"That cricket is not your friend!"

Well, any bug, actually.  Houseflies, a stray cricket, a moth.  You know, regular little things here and there.  His cat will treat them as toys, and chase and bat at them over and over, and then be surprised to find out the toy doesn't work anymore after she's eaten half it's leg or whatever.

"We have this argument every day!"

Every. Day.  I get home from work, take out the trash or whatnot, feed the cats, shower or get into my house clothes, and take  my rightful place on the couch.  And every single day, my cat will try to somehow sit on top of me or my shoulders.  Every time, I move her to her little spot next to me so she can cuddle with me and get the warm spot, but it's like she thinks somehow if she keeps asking I'm going to give in.  NO.  Sit next to me, not on me.

"Where's your collar?"

Every now and then, my cat will detach her collar.  It's not super important that she has it on all the time, because she's an indoor cat, but I don't want to lose her license.  And the little licenses/shot updates act as a kind of bell for her so I can hear her coming.  His cat has had the same collar for years and ever loses it.  But mine somehow does. And I ask her, like I'm expecting her to just tell me.

Maybe one day I will accept that the animals will not develop magical powers and the ability to speak back to me.  Maybe one day I will accept that they do not, in fact, understand English.  But today is not that day.

Askingly yours,




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