An Open Letter To The Spider On My Front Porch

Dear reader, please indulge me for a second.  

I have a front porch.  You might have one, as well.  We have nice little chairs that were made my Mennonites that we sit in on said porch from time to time.  Recently I have noticed a little spider setting up his web nearby.  He is a common garden spider I have decided to name Hoshi.   In a perfect world, I could communicate with him.  This is what I would say.

Dearest Hoshi,

I hope you're well. I know the weather has been a little harsh lately, but I admire your fortitude when it comes to rebuilding your web. I don't know if you realize this, but normally, I would have screamed and swatted at you. I would have tried to kill you just for existing. That's not a threat, please don't be intimidated. I have seen the error of my ways. While naturally I wouldn't want you anywhere near me, I now see how important you are.

You see, Hoshi, I have been bit by several mosquitoes lately. And those mosquitoes have caused me much itchiness. I also see several June Bugs that are trying to invade my space. There was also a wasp that made me nervous a while back. I do not like this. You, however,... do like those things. You want to eat them.

I want you to eat them.

Please, Hoshi, help me.* Let's live in peace. You stay in your little spot away from my chair, and eat all the bugs you want. I promise to leave you alone if you do that. Just don't come near me, and I won't pull out the spider spray on you. I would like to think that you and I are in a truce of sorts. You don't touch me, I don't touch you. Deal?

Of course this deal is null and void if you decide to lay eggs. Then I'm calling pest control.

Spideringly yours,
Behka

*Get it cos the lyric goes "Somebody help me.."
I'll see myself out.