Luckily for me, this story has a happy ending. This actually happened not too long ago.  I swear, I'm not a thief or anything.  It was completely accidental.  It just kind of happened.

It was one of those days when I was trying to be efficient, but really I was trying to get too much done. I had too much on the to-do list to get done in an hour.  You ever have one of those days?  I was on my lunch break, so I had to pick up a prescription, drop off the water bill, and then I had to get a few groceries and whatnot. I don't normally spend much time at the People's Republic of Walton (as I like to call it because I'm sooooooo funny, right) but sometimes if you're getting certain things, you kind of have to go there.  Most days I'll just stop at Woods to pick up a thing or two, but today was one of those days.  It had to be done.

It was about 10:30 a.m., and I was at the checkout where you do it yourself.  It was going fine, all is well.  Then the nice lady who works over there started to chat with me a little.  I remember specifically she asked me if I liked the flooring.  I think I was thrown off by that, I don't really think about the floors at Wal-Mart, do you? All I was thinking about was the list of stuff I needed and maybe sushi or something since I actually didn't eat on my lunch break. I'm not sure why she asked. Maybe it was because they're renovating and stuff.  Well apparently I need to start thinking about the flooring so I don't lose my sherty nonsense. So anyway, I said they looked nice, and then just promptly turned around with my bag and walked off.


Nobody said a word to me! Nobody came out and said, "Hey, pay for your stuff!"  I didn't even NOTICE.  I just took my stuff home and went back to work.

Then, about 1:00 p.m.... that's when I realized it.  I was looking for the receipt for my stuff in my bag, and I didn't have it. It hit me.  I didn't have a receipt because I didn't fregging pay! I was so upset with myself. What was going to happen? Am I going to get an angry visit from a cop? Is my name going to be in the police reports? Is my picture going to be printed out from surveillance? Did I get the nice lady in trouble?! I texted Husbando about it.  After laughing at me for about eight minutes (so supportive, really), he suggested I just go back and see what I could do.

So that's what I did, all anxious and guilty.  I was so sure that I was just be boned and security was going to escort me to the back and all of this would soon be another terrible memory.  And I'm sure people would love to hear that the radio DJ was a SHOPLIFTER.  Would I be reprimanded at work for embarrassing the company? Would I be fired for being a thief?! I can't go and get a job in the real world! And who would hire someone who just got arrested!? Great, everything was going down the drain because I was TRYING to be efficient. My life is over.  You know what I felt like? I felt like a kid who is about to get the bar of soap to the mouth for saying a bad word.

But I faced my fate and went back in. Another nice lady at the checkout said I should go see customer service.  So I did, I waited in line behind a guy who wanted to return something or other, and hoped that I didn't get in trouble or anybody else in trouble.  I think I actually crossed my fingers. Turns out, they can look that stuff up in the system! This nice lady got another nice lady in the back to print out the receipt.  They were able to track it based on some of the stuff I bought (shoplifted), like Propel and Wonton Wrappers.  She said that people do that all the time and that I shouldn't feel bad.

But I did.  Lucky for me, I was able to pay for my stuff at the customer service desk and my crime was rectified.  The lady said most people don't come back! Apparently we all have our airhead moments out there from time to time.

I made sure to keep the receipt, this time. I still have it on my desk, right next to my property tax receipts.  Just like the time I accidentally drove off without paying for my gas (I thought the card reader worked!) I wanted to be sure that I had proof I wasn't a major criminal. Innocent! Just, you know,.... an idiot.

Have you ever walked off like that, or am I the only dingus that has? What was your biggest airhead moment?

Shopliftingly yours,

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