I know.  I know you love summertime.  I don't. It's gross. I know there are a lot of good things about summer (Fourth of July... Labor Day Weekend, the Missouri State Fair, pool time), sure.  But this is definitely my LEAST favorite season by far, and I dread it every year. Why? I'll tell you why, young Grasshopper.

1.  Humidity. 

Missouri summer is gross with the humidity. I know you guys know this one as well as I do. You step out of your house at seven am and you're immediately hit with a wall of stupid, thick air. Then you're sweating by the time you reach your car! I hate sweating for no reason. If I'm gonna sweat I want something to come out of it, like stronger arms or a painted wall. Not just... random water on my forehead.

2.  Bugs. 

I know that the majority of insects serve a purpose in this world.  They are important. But I still don't have to like them.  They're everywhere and determined to try to crawl on me with their icky legs, or bite me so they can suck my A Positive Blood, or they're trying to fly in my face.  Not good. If I try to sit on the porch, I have to have about three to four different repellent items, citronella or not. I got a bug bite on my BUTT this year. YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I HAVE ISSUES.

3.  Traffic. 

I know why you're out. I know it's fun for you.  But jeezy creezy, the traffic in the summertime is awful. If you're like me, you're taking all the side roads to avoid some of it (even if part of Main was taken away from me for a bit). And HELP YOU if it storms or rains a little. It's like if anything changes weather wise, people immediately forget how to drive.  The Light's Green, Karen. It's the pedal on your right.  That doesn't mean you sit there on your phone for another two minutes.

4.  Heat. 

This is tied in with the humidity, I guess, but I just don't like the feeling of being hot. I don't like sweating.  I don't like wearing less clothing, so I don't, and then I'm hot all the time. It's probably partially my fault, for having a layer of blubber.  But still. Not fun. And then there's Jethro over there who feels like he doesn't need to wear a shirt with his cut off overalls.  Put on a shirt, please.  Nobody asked to see your third nipple and back hair. Nobody.

5.  Yard Work.

I know some people find it therapeutic or calming to do yard work. My Dad loves being outside, give him a riding lawn mower and he's in hog heaven. But me? No thanks, everyone. I know it's something that you have to do in our society.  If you have a lawn, you have to maintain it.  But pulling out the damn weed eater SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS. It's a lot.  A lot of suckiness... enough to be a leaf blower. Sorry.  Anyway.  Sure, it's not as heavy as it used to be, but it still makes my forearms shaky for an hour afterwards.

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6.  Sunburns. 

That dang sun always seems to get me, no matter what I do. I could wear an inch thick layer of 100 SPF sunscreen and somehow I will still burn. I THINK about attending an outdoor event and I get a little burn on my nose. And that's not only painful, but it's totally unattractive. I already look bad enough as it is, don't add in another reason for my face to be red.  And the peeling, oh good lord, the peeling.  Such suckage. And that aloe rub stuff only works for a bit! Then what? Suffering!

7.  Storm Season. 

We're used to being called Tornado Alley, sure.  And a lot of the time stuff doesn't happen when we think it might.  I hate the worry and panic and craziness that comes with summer storms. I know that might be controversial, but I'll say it:  Tornadoes Suck. I know, I know. I might have to watch what I'm saying here in an already controversial post.

8.  Vacation Envy. 

People always seem to take vacations in the summer.  They always go somewhere that looks like it's out of a magazine, someplace that's by the ocean or somewhere where they literally swim in tequila. Go for it, I guess. I'll be here sitting on the couch with my cat, commenting on how great that is for you. So sure, you can go somewhere exotic and learn something about yourself, I'll be over here liking your photo but hating you just a little while I'm next to Doris at the doctor's office.

It's not even the end of June yet and I already am dreading the next couple months.  Give me a nice autumn any day.  Trees turning colors, jackets, the end of your nose being just a little cold... perfect.  I want that.  I want to be able to wear a sweater and drink hot chocolate comfortably.  Is that too much to ask? Wake me up when September ends!

Hateradingly yours,

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