Life Expert Needed: A Plant Doctor In The House?

So as you may or may not know, I've been trying to keep some plants from last summer alive. They were on my porch, and then when it got cold, it was time to bring them in.

Of course, gentle reader, you remember Steve.

But then there's also Lon Cheney and Regular Sized Rudy, who also live in my office.

This is Mr. Cheney.

I wanted to keep him at home, but at the time, he was so long I couldn't justify it.  Mainly because I did not want certain feline animals that live in my house to eat him. Which they started to do.

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But now, he's looking very sad.  Very sad, indeed.  I think part of is that he's cold (it's freezing in my office), and I'm sure being outside in nature is just better for them.  But... now what? I mean, I Google and I Google, but.... this is my point.

Is there not a plant doctor?  You know how you'd watch an old cartoon, and someone would faint, and they'd ask, "Is there a doctor in the house?"

via GIPHY

I need a plant doctor. I wish there was someone I could show a picture of a houseplant to, or someone I could take a houseplant to, and they could just tell me what I'm doing wrong. Tell me what to do to fix him, or make him better, or keep him happy or whatever. I mean, I can google, "WHY PLANT SAD, PLANT NO BE SAD" but.... I'd rather hear it from an expert, you know?

Is that a job?  Is that a thing people do?  IS there a plant doctor in the house?

Curiously yours,
Behka